Respect, we all want it for ourselves and believe we deserve it. In fact, in Aretha Franklin’s 1967 classic hit, Respect, she sang “All I’m askin’ is for a little respect…” and concluded that without respect “…you might walk in and find out I’m gone”. R-E-S-P-E-C-T— getting it and giving it is essential for meaningful human interactions and relationships. But what is it?
I was facilitating a discussion on values recently and the first person I asked to describe what respect meant quickly replied, “Oh, that is easy! It is the Golden Rule, “treat others as you want to be treated.” Julia was absolutely correct and recalled centuries of tradition and religious teachings that espouse this positive entreaty or its corollary “Silver Rule,” which requires us to avoid the negative action–“do not do to others what you do not want them to do to you”.
The Golden and Silver Rules are found in multiple religions and ancient traditions. For example, the Arizona Interfaith Movement’s mission statement is to “…build bridges of understanding, respect, and support…through education, dialogue, service, and the implementation of the Golden Rule”. The movement is composed of representatives of 18 faith traditions, including Buddhism, Islam, Hindu, Judaism, Sikh, Catholic and United Methodist. The group believes some form of the Golden Rule is found in religious teachings of each of their faith groups.
In kindergarten at church I was taught to treat others as I wanted to be treated. As I grew older, I found this command in Old Testament teachings (Leviticus 19:18) repeated and emphasized by Jesus in the New Testament (Matthew 7:12, Luke 6:31). In fact, this principle is so evident accepted that John Locke, whose writing significantly influenced our Founding Fathers, essentially argued that the Golden (and Silver) Rule is a part of Natural Law. He wrote that “a state of liberty…is not a state of license…” and “that being all equal and independent, no one ought to harm another in his life, health, liberty or possessions…” (Treatises II.2.6, pg 5/81). This idea of equality was especially important to our Founders. They saw it as so foundational that equality became the central idea of the second sentence of the Declaration of Independence:
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness”
The founding fathers wrote and signed the Declaration and later the Constitution and Bill of Rights. These documents reflect aspirations of equal treatment under the law for all citizens. Today we recognize that even though the leaders of the new nation did not fully live up to their own words, the words continue to serve as a beacon of equality and worthy of our continued effort to form a more perfect union.
We simply can’t escape the instruction, this natural law, to “treat others as I want to be treated.”
Virtually everyone I know agrees with the Golden Rule, yet I don’t see all of these same people being respectful of one another as it instructs. I have listened to many self-justifying explanations and think I understand one of the causes. The dictionary definitions of respect land on both nouns and verbs that have important distinctions. For example, dictionary.com defines the verb form of respect to mean:
- to hold in esteem or honor
- to show regard or consideration for
In simpler terms, the distinction is between 1) admiring someone versus 2) showing that I find value or worth in someone. When two individuals use the two different meanings, our language can become a source of conflict. For example, I can value the life of another without admiring the actions of that individual. In other words, some people see treatment according to the Golden Rule as something to be earned, like admiration is earned, rather than something given.
John and Rochelle. One way this definition distinction plays out is when John seeks to be respected. At a minimum he wants to be valued—to count—and to see Rochelle apply the Golden Rule in how she treats him. And most of the time John is also hoping to be admired for his achievements. Yet when Rochelle defines respect only as admiration she reveals to others that she does not respect John, even if she values him.
In order for John and Rochelle to maximize the richness of their relationship, both need to believe that they are respected—valued as a person—by the other. Yet when John expects to be “valued” and Rochelle refuses to “admire” him, the relationship will not even reach the starting line. This is a common occurrence today—two people not truly listening to what another person communicates. Too many of us listen to “win” and justify our beliefs. Listening to grasp intent and meaning is hard and takes effort. One critical way to show respect to another person is listening to understand.
Mutual respect is essential to build meaningful relationships—and it takes two, not one. When we learn to value others, similar to the way our parents’ value us despite our shortcomings, we can build relationships that produce unexpected and positive benefits. A terrific example is the well documented friendship between Supreme Court Justices Antonin Scalia and Ruth Bader Ginsberg. They had deep seated and fierce ideological differences, yet surprising and genuine friendship. It is clear in their writings that they had deep respect—both value and admiration—for one another and genuinely enjoyed their time together. It is evident from their friendship that “winning” was not a required element of their friendship and respect. I hope that I am able to have such rich friendships with others with whom I disagree.
As we move through the days ahead, I encourage you to demonstrate respect to those around you, especially if you disagree with them and to respect the life experiences and traditions of others, even if they are not your own. I hope we can become more like Scalia and Ginsberg, filled with respect for each other. The respect that Aretha spelled out is really not hard to give when we commit to it. We simply need to follow the Golden Rule, just as most of us were taught in kindergarten.
Let me know what you think!
8 thoughts on “Respect and The Golden Rule”
Thank you for this inaugural blog! I look forward to reading many more like it. There are many kernels of truth shared throughout, to include the transcendent nature of the Golden Rule beyond denominational barriers as well as outside of religiosity altogether and into the realm of Natural Law. I really like the analysis on how we can use two different definitions of the verb form of respect, and this can be a major source of relational issues. Along those lines, I believe respect does not necessarily need to be “earned,” it is an inalienable right that we are to be respected and show respect simply because we are humans, and in my belief, made in the image of God Himself. As a Christian, Jesus elevates this relatively obscure law in Leviticus to the position of the Second Greatest Commandment, “To love your neighbor as yourself.” It was a radical thought even then. What a different world we would live in if we could all model this type of respectful behavior. Thanks again, Tim!
Thanks Curt! You always encourage us to dig deeper.
Well said Curt! Seminal lesson for me early in my career was to value everyone not based on rank or role but the Imago Dei… respect because we are created in Gods image. Cheers!
This is well written and I applaud your first blog! Appreciation to Curt for getting the word out on Facebook. You nailed it. Respect should be universal. I’m glad you’ve led off your new blog with such a powerful theme. The number of times I’ve heard respect must be earned, at least among human’s vying to be respected, is staggering. Most people do seem to use the first definition. So this is a keen and helpful insight. The second definition is so much more foundational to our everyday lives…yet we always forget. It’s also tied closely with the notion of universal love. Both qualities are intangible but through the lens of values. I look forward to your future blogs where you will explore these qualities at scale and show how both Judeo-Christian theology along with the rise of other western philosophies brought us to this place where we are compelled to maximize the use of the first definition and completely forget to use the second…
Fabulous entry into the blogging world, Tim! Can’t wait to read more!
Appreciate the perspective Tim…insight many of us need during this time. Great discussion of how respect can be interpreted, viewed and then given. As we give, so shall we receive. Thanks for this, and I look forward to the next!
Several great lessons here, Sir! I found myself coming back to read it again because it’s so applicable to the current state of discourse in our country. I thought the culmination of the election would finally turn the chapter in a particularly divisive period, but it still seems people on opposite sides of the spectrum have little interest in listening to each other. When they do listen, they’re doing so to justify their own position, as opposed to understanding the alternate perspective. You’ve put words to a lot of what I’ve been thinking, and I look forward to using this as I try to encourage the importance of giving respect in my small circle of influence moving forward. Thank you!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts Matt. I know you are continuing to make a big, positive impact on your not-so-small circle. We should all follow your example of continuous study and investment in your teammates. Keep up the great work!